Autor: 84ghz

2018-2023
Li Xinmo
Artist | curator | art teacher | art critic
Geely University & Art Space | Beijing


2016-2018
Li Dan
Director Crossroads Centre (NGO seeks to raise awareness about women’s and LGBTQ+ rights in China through the use of film and art) | Chairman Women Film Festival China, Hongkong and Beijing | Beijing

1.

回忆是一件痛苦的事情。但又不得不每天回想起往事。那就像一块巨大的阴影使我无法摆脱往常在梦里回到过去那些不堪回首的日子。
我的名字是梅子
我出生在中国北方的黑龙江省，我的父亲是个酒鬼，经常看见他喝酒了回到家里打我的母亲，母亲无法忍受，离家出走了，后来被父亲着回家，打得更凶了。弟弟因此缀学了。我一直生活在恶梦之中
几年后父亲去逝了，我们才过上安静的生活。上大学时我有个男朋友，他也非常大男子主义，他不让我画画，甚至规定我几点回家，交什么样的朋友，不能和男生说话。当时我非常痛苦，后来我还是离开了他，到处求学
现在我住在北京，大一所大学教书。回想起来，不敢相信那些往事。
[袖子：
如果有来生我不想为人
最大的希望是能早日离开]

To remember is a painful thing. But then again, I can’t help but remember the past. It looms like a huge shadow over me, and I can’t escape the memories of those past events I can’t bear to think upon; they crop up in my dreams sometimes.
My name is Meizi. I was born in Heilongjiang District, in the northern part of China. My father was an alcoholic, and I often witnessed him returning home inebriated and beating my mother. She couldn’t take it, and left home, but was found and led back by my father, who then beat her even harder for leaving. My younger brother dropped out of school because of it. My whole life was a nightmare.
A few years later, father passed away, and only then did we live in peace. At university I had a boyfriend who was also a male chauvinist, and didn’t let me draw, even decided when I would return home, what kind of friends I was allowed to make, forbade me from talking to other men. It was excruciating, so in the end I still left him, and threw myself into my studies
Now I live in Beijing, teaching at a university. Thinking back, I can hardly believe the past.

If I there is another life over, I don’t want to be human.
The biggest hope is to leave soon.

2.

我叫王淑范住在黑龙江省依兰县我十八岁结婚丈夫比我大二岁结婚没多久他就开始喝酒，为了孩子我一直忍耐。我真想杀了他。后来他自己死了。我后来又找了一个男人，生活到現在。現在我老了，孩子也长大了。

My name is Wang Shufan I live in Heilongjiang province Yilan district I married at 18 my husband was two years older than me. Soon after we married he began drinking, for the kids I always endured it. I really wanted to kill him. Then he died himself. Then I found another man and live ‘til now. Now I’m old, and my kids are grown.

3.

毕业后我来到珠海做一名教师，经人介紹和我現在的丈夫結婚，婚后有了一个孩子。孩子出生不久，就发現他有了外遇，越来越少回家，也不想和我说話。我很难过，想离婚，但是看到刚出生的孩子又不想他这么小就没有父亲，所以一直忍耐到现在。

I came to Zhuhai after graduation to work as a teacher and met and married my husband through a friend. After marriage, we had a child. Not long after his birth, I found that my husband had an affair and he started coming home less and less frequently, and refuses to talk to me. I’m very sad and I want to divorce him, but when I look at my newborn son I don’t want him to be without a father from such a young age, so I’ve endured it until now.

4.

我一直的理想就是过平常人的生活，找一个本份的男人然后生孩子，过平静的日子。24岁时我结婚了，丈夫是一个公务员。我们有俩个孩子。日子一天一天地过去，但我们之间的夫妻生活却越来越少
现在已经12年没有过了。他就像一块木头，每天生活都在继续但我好像已经死了，对我他也越来越不耐烦。有一次  我一直都以为是我不好，我的原因。做后发现他在外面有了不知多少的女人。半生过去了，我却发现我一直生活在谎言中。

My dream was to live a normal life, and to marry and have a kid with a responsible husband, living out peaceful days. I married at 24, my husband is a civil servant. We had two kids and the days just went by, one by one, but our marital relationship grew colder and colder. Now it’s been 12 years like this. He’s just like a block of wood, life goes on each day but it’s as if I’m dead and he just gets more and more annoyed with me. Once I always thought it was because of me, that the fault lay with me. Then I discovered his extramarital affairs with countless other women. Half my life is gone and instead I find myself living a lie.

5.

我在学校里上大一的时候认识了我的男朋友。他要考研究生，我就作家教支持他，他考上研究生后就到北京上学了，后来我来到了北京找他，但他已经有新的女朋友了。我和他曾经怀孕过两次，但都流产了，因为他说不是时候，他和我都要上学，但是我的身体受了很大的伤害。那以后一直有忧郁症，也不相信爱情，然后我成了一个小姐。

I met my boyfriend at university. He also wanted to go to grad school, so I became a private tutor to support him, and he got into a grad school at a university in Beijing, and I came to find him, but then he already had a new girlfriend. She and I have been pregnanted by him twice, but got an abortion both times because he said it wasn’t the time, that he and I still had school, but my body has suffered greatly. Ever since, I’ve always been depressed, and stopped believing in love, so then I became a prostitute.

6.

中国自古以来崇尚儒家文化，崇尚“父为子纲，夫为妻纲”。父母打孩子，男人打女人天经地义。直到现在，还有很多中国人是这样的观念。我11岁时目睹爸爸打妈妈，从那开始，妈妈经常瞒着爸爸打我。我17岁时，妈妈精神分裂。我23岁时，她离家出走，杳无音信，生死不明。直到我32岁时，她被找到，才知道她一直在外面流浪。她失踪了整整9年，可她回来的时候，我不想见她。也许因为恐惧，她在我心目中还是那个暴力的妈妈，变态的妈妈。也许因为悲伤，我不想看见她那副可怜的样子。我觉得我的能量都被她带走了。我去接受各种各样的艺术治疗，直到我34岁才遇见一位我愿意信任的心理治疗师。我把我的故事拍成了一部电影短片，叫做《迷失》……

Since ancient times, China has been advocating Confucian culture and “the father to son and husband to wife”. Parents beat children, men beat women justly. Until now, there are still many Chinese people with this concept. When I was 11 years old, I witnessed my father beat my mother. Since then, my mother often hid me from my father. When I was 17, my mother became schizophrenic. When I was 23, she ran away from home without a message to us. Only when I was 32, she was found and she was wandering outside. She disappeared for a full nine years, but when she came back, I did not want to see her, perhaps because of fear. She was still in my mind as a violent mother, perverted mother. Maybe because of sadness, I did not want to see her poor look. I think my energy was taken away by her. I received a variety of art treatments until I was 34 before I met a psychotherapist that I would trust. I made my story a short film called “Lost” ……

7.